I have always been a realistic person... someone that doesn't skirt around the truth or hold back the constructive criticism because the compliments just feel too good.
I am here to walk and act and live in Truth. And last week I was confronted (by Truth Himself) with a bit of a predicament. The plans I had made... and thought were ordained by God ... were pulled from under my feet. Day to day plans are no big deal to me... but these plans meant a lot and I had started to pour all of my passion into them.
When my placement coordinator e-mailed me last week to notify me that the cooperating teacher I was going to be working under in Kenya next fall for student teaching was going to be on home assignment (and therefore not able to help me out) ... I was crushed. The e-mail my coordinator sent me (which basically said a school in Africa was looking "out of the question") threw me into a fit of depressed, stressed, anger (sorry to say. . . directed mostly at God).
I didn't understand why God was giving me a passion that He was never fulfilling...
I didn't understand why He would make it so hard for me to secure a placement... and
I didn't understand why He would mess with my passion like that. I was thinking, afterall, that if I poured myself into a passion He gave me, I would find safety there. (The truth is, I seem to misplace my passion a lot).
Instead of finding safety, I just kept finding disappointing news after disappointing news in my e-mail inbox. (Since this is not the first time my placement fell through... I was just more certain and attached to the school this time).
After a couple days of thought and prayer, however, I have really come to terms with the Truth of my life.
The Truth is . . . it is 100% about Him. What God wants, God gets. End of story.
There is no sense in me poking my little finger into the tapestry to try to change the weaved pattern. He has plans. He has an order and pattern to follow. He knows what is best!
And even (*hesitates to say it*) . . . even if those plans seem (right now) to suck to me. . . they will still be carried out with my complete cooperation because He is more than me. He has paid a higher price. He is worthy. He has a complete view of and hold on this life and there is no reason I should fret about getting to Africa.
I'm sure this seems like a simple story that I will look back on and think "yeah, good thoughts Rachel" ... but right now, these really are more than just 'good thoughts' ... right now, living in the reality that He is in control is what is keeping me sane. It is not easy to question left and right what "God's will" really is . . . and so I must take comfort in the fact that whatever it is, it will come to pass regardless of any missteps I take along the way. Regardless of my short-lived and misdirected anger last week. Regardless of my current confusion about what next fall holds.
He is sovereign... Even when the future is uncertain... Even when His will is hidden from my feeble eyes. Even when life sucks. (Which, it really doesn't right now. But it could. And if it did... )
I am sorry to hear about the problems that you face and I agree with your frustration because I have felt those things myself before, but I am glad to hear of your continuing commitment to Christ when you don't see His way. Rachel you have always proved to think mature in the long run and I know that you will find what you are looking for in the end. God knows your heart and knows what is best. I am glad you know that, cause I am just like you and hate the place I am in sometimes. It is hard, but persevere, we can make it through Christ.
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