rest. relaxation. reflection.

over the years i've noticed that there are two different reactions i have towards break time.
1) i love the down time so much i decide i never want to go back
2) i love the down time but realize that it isn't what life is about...

the second reaction is the one that is occurring this week. even with just a few days to sleep in and read so far (time which i am thrilled to have), i already know that i will be ready to go back in january. i wasn't created to bum around right now . . . there is a purpose i have, and i truly desire to continue pushing forward to that purpose. i want to achieve what God has set before me.

i am reading Soul Cravings by erwin mcmanus right now . . . and he keeps reminding me that it's ok to go all out. to love and dream as i please.
reflecting on this makes me want to seek progress for my attention-starved soul. i wonder why all my efforts have been transferred to the physical when what is deep within is what is lasting... i wonder and want change. as my mind explores the endless possibilities for future, i find myself letting God in more. to not know what is ahead is to create a platform of trust in the God who does know. if i want big things, i need my big God right within me.
i think one of the things i want most in my future is to explore. i get excited to even hear the word. it is amazing that God has given me room to explore this great world, this small but complex soul i have, and more than anything - that he allows me to explore Him.
i've been wondering lately why we all pretend we are so content with what we already know of God ... why do we act like our current understanding is enough when there is clearly so much more of God that we don't know? why do we stop seeking, stop desiring, stop exploring the infiniteness of our God? it seems that we take just enough of God to get us through - just enough so we can have him but still maintain our status of normalcy in society.
when it comes to the radical - sure, we may give parts of the word a try for a few weeks... but we ultimately return to what is more comfortable. to what is socially acceptable.

this all, to me, seems like an abuse of our understanding of salvation. yes we are saved... yes God loves us where we are... but thats not the end of the story! why would we throw our breaks down on the most exciting and exhilerating opportunity we have? why would we refuse to let God transform us into what He wants us to be? isn't the whole point of salvation to have the assurance that we have been accepted into God's family? who wants to admit that once there, once invited to the heavenly banquet with all of God's children, they would throw a fit at the dinner table because they'd rather eat their old moldy mac and cheese instead of a heavenly delicacy? this is, in essence, what we do though... we refuse to be molded into the being God desires because we are too busy conforming to the image of the world. its the heavenly vs. the worldly. the delicacy vs. the mac and cheese. we are fools to cling to what is disgusting in God's sight. we are fools to be so numb to the offense to God we commit in our wrongful clinging.

perhaps that is why so many of us remain stuck in our ruts of sin... trapped in our addictions (however small they may be)... we aren't willing to let go... we aren't allowing something radical to transform us. if we never receive the new things God offers, we will automatically cling to the old ways of [false] satisfaction we have created for ourselves. if we were brave enough to just say NO to the sins and guilt and self-condemnation we live in, i think we would find God's strength rush to our side every time. i think we would find freedom in a heartbeat rather than at the end of a lifetime. i think we'd live with full stomachs, fed by the hand of God, rather than with constant cravings which nothing earthly can fill. i think we would stop wasting our time looking around and start spending our time focusing in... focusing in on the God that is beyond worthy.

i am not sure why i speak all of this when i still feel its too large of a feat for me.
but maybe its because admitting the desires of my heart can lead me to action towards those desires. one step at a time, i can change. i will change.
mcmanus says, “I am not who I want to be, but I am on the journey there, and thankfully I am not whom I used to be.” i agree. this life is a transformation process. we don't have to get down on ourselves for not being who we dream of being yet . . . this is a journey. we still have time to explore. we can still go all out.