Unloading myself

If you are in the mood to read ramblings of a passionate but confused soul... Read on.



Lately I just want to devour everything in the Word... its all SO TRUE and my heart just wants to grab hold of it and lay claim to it all. My relationship with God has been deepening so much... but along with that comes a few other painful side effects... (things changing inside, lies being ripped out of my head and heart, transformation, Satan trying to put his foot in where ever he can, feeling lonely and like no one here (at home) understands me because they don't truly know the God I serve)...so in the midst of that (the last one probably being the hardest for me at this point...) I'm just trying to stay steadfast in His love (Isaiah 26:3). All I can say is I'm glad I'm not the only one trying... He has definitely done MORE than his fair share of keeping me going and stirring my desires for him. *Praise Him for that*
I think one of the things that gives me such mixed emotions about the Lord is the way He calls me by name, as an individual. It drives me wild to experience His intense intimate love but at the same time... it scares me so much that He sees me as a single person with a personal calling. I've never been one to want to stand out in a crowd or be 'set apart' for any purposes (especially not purposes as intense as the calling of the Gospel)... thats why I struggle so much in realizing that the more intimate I get with Christ, the less people here will understand me. The more I know Him, the more I am burdened (and of course, extremely blessed) to step out and share Him... the more I feel that call, the more I realize I will be hated by the world (John 15:18-25)... the more I realize hatred is ahead, the more I dig deeper into Christ's unfailing and upholding love. Its a cycle. I pray it never ends because it keeps me on the straight and narrow; intensely in love with and finding more and more grace from the Creator of all. But at the same time, it scares me to death. I am fearful of what is ahead. I don't mean to sound over dramatic... but its true. I've never felt so terrified about my lack of power over my own life and of what God can do to me. I will accept whatever He brings my way because I know that whatever form its in (trials, suffering, joy, a life full of plans or a seemingly empty life) it will be a blessing to receive from His hand... but that's not the way the world sees things (or even the way I naturally see things). I am afraid that this world will find me a failure or a freak. In fact, I'm to the point where I realize its destined to be that way. The Gospel doesn't make sense in the dark of this world... it seems so backward. (2 Cor 4:4) Fleshing it out will, therefore, seem equally backward. And thats not the part that hurts most... its the loneliness. God is with me so I know it doesn't matter who is against me (Rom 8:31)... but it still hurts.

This is where it becomes tricky for me to explain because I have plenty of fellow Christian friends... plenty of people who understand how miserably Christ can ruin (and save) your life and any plans you had for yourself here. But the problem is... there isn't one single person who can understand what is going through my very own heart at this time. There is no one who can really comprehend the feelings and thoughts that God has been giving to me. No one can experience my way of intimacy with Him. No one has walked MY walk with Christ. No one can live out MY calling for me. I have to do it... alone (with Him). Thats scary to me. Perhaps one of the reasons I have always valued friendship so much is because I love being beside someone who knows me; I love walking through life with someone. But the more I become an individual of God, the more I feel like I can't hide behind others anymore. I can't enter the Kingdom of Heaven while holding someone's hand... it's a single file line... which, for that time will be fine because I'll be about to prance my way into Heaven... but the reality of it now is a little heart-trembling for me. I don't really know if you are following me whatosever in this... I'm sure maybe you have an idea of what I'm getting at... but... as I've been saying, chances are since you haven't been having the same talks with God and experiences with God as I have - you don't feel this with quite the intensity as I do.
I guess its just crazy how seldom I've actually thought about the implications of accepting Christ into my life. I rarely let it sink in that accepting Christ means accepting Him fully and all-inclusively ... I have to vow to take all of Him, not just the parts I want. And since I just finished reading Job, right now, accepting all of God is scary. I never know his next move. I think it was just two weeks ago that I rejoiced over not knowing what's ahead... but the past couple days I've begun to see the other side of not knowing. There are no guarantees of what lies ahead... just the reassurance that Christ is all and is in all if you so choose to believe it. (Col 3:11)
... One other thing that I've been thinking about, while I'm on a roll, is sharing Christ with people after I've realized what its like living for Him. I feel like I'd be selling them a half-truth if I didn't tell them what living for Christ is all about... if I don't tell them that God wants to consume their lives (Heb 12:29)... if I don't tell them that God desires us to sell our riches and give to the poor (Lk 12:33)... if I don't tell them that God wants to be their Lover (1 Jn 4:16) and Father (Gal 4:6-7) and Friend (Jn 15:14)... if I don't tell them that as a Christian you don't make your own plans, you heed to His... if I don't tell them that we have to die to ourselves (daily) (Gal 2:20, Jn 12:24-25)... if I don't tell them that they are in for an exciting but extremely hard and confusing journey with God... what would I tell them? These are the truths I have come to know about living for God. I don't want anyone to experience less because although it is tough and NOTHING like what the world has to offer (or tries to shove down your throat) it is amazing and beautiful and PURPOSEFUL and fulfilling.

You may wonder who I'm trying to share the Gospel with in the first place... since, if you know me at all, you know I've never been an amazing evangelizer (in any sense of the word)... I mostly have my family in mind. (And divine appointments that I trust God to make whenever He so chooses...) I don't even know how to read the Word of God with my brother because I'm so enthralled by the life God calls us to and he is so confused and turned off. Instead of getting excited that God (THEE GOD... OF ALL...) WANTS him (a puny stinky little boy)... he gets nervous about the sacrifices he might have to make if he believes what he reads. (Oh, God doesn't like war? But I can still watch war movies right? Rachel, they aren't that bad... )
I know, I know... I've been there. Heck, I'm still there. I just wonder why God is calling me out of my sins... and why God has given depth to my soul... that it seems other people don't understand. I haven't done anything to deserve God. I didn't ask to be born where I was or into the family I was ... I didn't ask God to intrigue me by Him when I was just a little girl... I didn't put a curiosity within me to check out youth group... I didn't give guilt to myself after being sinful... I didn't create my own disappointment with this world and I certainly couldn't have made myself seek after God. So why did He do all of this for me? Its not that I'm not grateful... I'm more than grateful for the providence and love He has spoken over my unworthy life... I just wish there was more to go around. (Or... since I know there IS more to go around... I wish it would, indeed, go around..) Why can't He give those same things to my brother? Why can't my parents feel unfulfilled with their own lives and seek after Him? Why can't kids at Kids Play desire to talk about the Lord rather than about Pokemon or High School Musical? I know its all a process... and God can start wherever He wants and intercede in the life of any man or woman... but how does He choose who? (Perhaps this isn't the right thing for you to read if you believe that we choose God from our own ability...)

Last night I went to a prayer meeting with friends from school and it was so Spirit-filled and uplifting... Truth was flying around that room like there was no tomorrow. We were just absorbing the presence of God and seeking His will in our lives rather than our own. It was amazing... but it also just makes it so much harder to return to the worldly world the next day. There is no one to speak truth over the lies in my mind, I have to take them captive to Christ's name myself. There is no one to lay a hand on me when I confess I've been struggling. I can't proclaim bible verses in my work setting. (In fact, just yesterday I was coloring with one of the girls and I colored a picture (for myself) that said "Colossians 3 - A call to new life"... today the same girl asked me to color her a picture with 'that bible verse on it'... my heart melted because I wanted her to have that picture... to take it home and hang it on her wall until she becomes curious what the bible chapter actually says. I wanted to share with her the truth that the bible contains... but... after thinking about it for a minute, I timidly asked her if I could color a picture of her name instead... because I knew I'd hear it if she showed her mom, who might tell the supervisors at my work.)

Why is it that this world has power over me? Why can't I share Jesus? Instead of proclaiming His Name loudly, I feel like I have to masquerade truth and scheme up ways to share him. I don't know if you'd agree... but somedays I feel like this world is far too noisy to hear the quiet suggestion that there could be something more. (I know, I know... God was in the whisper; 1 Kings 19) I just feel like the word 'love' is being sent out in high hopes that it will be interpreted as 'Jesus' ... and I also feel like its not doing justice in my life. Far too often I come home from work discouraged at how much of the world is in the kids I work with. Discouraged that I can't reach them.

Ok... I am cutting myself off from writing more.

So as to not end on a discouraging note... I will leave you with this:



"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Cor 4:16-18