Maybe

It's not that I haven't been writing, really, it's more that I haven't been sharing. Sometimes when I get exhausted with myself, I feel that others must too. My thoughts, my feelings... never-ending, always-changing.

I’m searching... searching for other avenues to receive the truth I desire.
Sometimes I feel like I’m maybe even searching for the “more” that I don’t believe exists; the “deeper” that I feel people heretofore have only faked or created out of their own humanity. A lyric within a song, hidden within a painting, a quote or even just a word, the plotline of a film, a specific sensation, a revolution. An avenue that glimmers and beckons or an avenue with dim light that foreshadows the condition of my soul. Any avenue that claims to offer something I haven’t yet uncovered. It's all too human.

I think, within my heart I already know that each alternative avenue is simply a chance dive towards the depths of the ocean whereby I will come up gasping and sputtering for air, only to wait at the surface long enough to regain the breath necessary to try again. Never will I find myself with the essential lung capacity to take me to the ocean floor because it is not natural for man to dwell there. We contain not the self-ability to breathe and see and dwell underwater, just as we contain not the self-ability to breathe and see and dwell within the will of God. There is one avenue into it; one avenue that will not leave us ship-wrecked or find our bodies too weak to go on as our lungs are dense with water.

This avenue, though, is so easy to take that it's almost hard. It's so simple that I remain utterly confused. To let go... to be taken by the hand... to close my eyes... to trust...

The perfect combination of my steps and His.

A consciousness and an unconsciousness.

Dwelling here, but not.

A vision that sees but then continues, to see beyond.

It is what is common claimed yet seldom truly found and lived.

Maybe the intellectual within me doesn't allow "enough" to be enough for me.
Maybe the dreamer within me wants life to be about more than obedience.
Maybe I lack the courage to just stick with the only thing that has ever resonated as true to me.
Maybe I'm just too "Rachel" for my own good... and I need to learn to give in.
Maybe I'll just sit here this morning... with all my maybes... get lost in some music and promise to figure it out another day.

...

"I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone
I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this
A little's enough" - Angels & Airwaves

...

"Til all my sleeves are stained red,
From all the truth that I've said...
Sick of all the insincere,
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away,
This time...
Don't need another perfect lie,
Don't care if critics never jump in line,
I'm gonna give all my secrets away..." - One Republic