Faith

I'm living in a what-if. In a wondering of truth. I'm living under the strict bondage of skepticism layered atop thick memories of failed attempts. I'm doubtful more than hopeful and confused more than certain. I try to try but I'm so tired of trying. I trust no one's version of truth as I've found each version contradicts another. I crush my own desire out of fear of deception and disgust with half-answers. I submit not and revere not. But I'm still wanting.

And this, well, this may be the best I can do right now.
It's far from what used to be and makes me curious what is to come.
But right now, this is faith for me. Raw and unhidden, this is me. It's what I struggle through most days... and some days just not, because I don't even want to think about it.

It's not a simple life, submitting myself unto a God who is mysterious and vague yet requires whole-hearted compliance from every detail of me. It's not something that I can do with my eyes closed or my mind off. If I'm going to do this, if I'm going to want this... I want to know what it means... I want to fight through all of this confusion until what I have within me is actually mine and actually true - not just appearances of Christianity escorted by convincing Christ-like nomenclature.

By all means, let faith take it's proper position in it all...
But let me promise that no one will ever find me faking it. No one will ever find me too afraid to speak my questions or deliberate over doubts.

And finally, let me ask now of those who are stronger than me - of those who are more certain, more committed and more secure in their beliefs... to pray for my faith. Because, like I said, I'm still wanting.