I'm currently in that stage... where you know a tragic thing is coming... and so you do all you can to oil up your defense mechanisms so the fragile things that lie beneath the surface won't be shattered.
I can't believe my life as an undergrad is coming to an end.
I mean... I can believe it in the sense that I've read enough books and written enough papers to string all those words across the entire Pacific Ocean... and I can believe it in the sense that I've lived with a total of 8 roommates over the past 4 years and been through 4 academic advisers since I stepped foot on that campus... and I can believe it in the sense that I've been committed to this whole educational process for no less than 1,460 days.
I can believe it in that my entire worldview, religion, mindset, personality, and character has changed dramatically since it all began...
But...
I still can't believe it. I can't believe that you find people that you love... people that make you laugh constantly... people that understand your passions... people that you would love nothing more than to stand beside for the rest of your life...
And you have to leave them behind. You have to say good-bye.
I can't believe that. And so ... here come the defense mechanisms. Because without them, I would cry. And cry. And cry.
At the end of this whole college experience... there's a decision to be made...
What is the next step? What will I choose?
I've been offered a teaching position for a Christian school in Nigeria...
And... I'll be honest, it sounds nothing shy of perfect for me.
It isn't the comforts of America that are keeping me from screaming YES and signing that contract... it isn't the money or the safety...
It's my friends. The people who know me like I thought I couldn't be known. The people who struggle with the same things I struggle with. The people whose very presence leaves me feeling so much less alone in this world.
I'm wondering and fighting and struggling with the question... how does one willingly let go of all that?
Rachel! I am so excited for you! That really does sound like your dream job!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I can relate to every single word you've written... I really don't think I'm going to miss all that much, if anything, really. But my friends. Oh man, my friends. Is it really gonna be worth it to make all new inside jokes? Will the time I invest learning little tidbits and facts about people ever pay off as much as just staying with the people I already know so well?
Tough questions for sure. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one struggling with them. Wishing you innumerable blessings as your life gets ready for some remarkable changes!
Grace and peace,
-R
You are about to embark on one of those life changing times and it's good and it's hard and it's worth it in the end but it's so hard in it to see where you're going and what you're doing and leaving the present, oh man, it's hard. I get it I do. I have been in your shoes and wouldn't wish to be back now.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, it'll be ok. Though that doesn't make you feel much better, does it?
And whatever you decide about this job or whatever, just know, we've got your back!