Exhaling Exhaustion.

I'm exhausted. I'm discouraged.

I'm letting myself cry.

Life can be so hard when you know what your passion is but you can't have it just yet.
When you can see so clearly that you don't fit into the life that you currently lead and you are hoping and praying for something that suits.

For the past couple months I have been wondering what is coming. I've been hanging in the balance of now and then; preparing as hard as possible to guarentee myself a teaching position overseas.

This weekend was a crushing blow to the hours upon hours of preparation that I did. To all of the encouragement I received. To all of the prayers that were prayed. I am so disappointed... in the way things worked out... in myself.

I was at the Int'l Fair and the superintendent of my 1st choice school left me a message after my interview that she was "very interested in having me come to" her school. We set up a time to talk and in that second meeting she told me that she would "love to just hire" me "right now" but that she had to talk to the board at the school to see if they could afford another overseas hire since they had just hired a teaching couple to fill other positions. I left that second meeting feeling very excited, nervous and hopeful - turning over her words "I know you'd be a great fit for this school." Less than two hours later, however, I received a phone call from her saying that they just couldn't afford it.

I was so crushed. I didn't even know my heart could sink that much. The most ideal job for me was at my fingertips... and then snatched away last minute due to finances. Finances. Money. I hate money. I don't even care about it. God, how could MONEY be the thing standing in the way of it all? I sat back down to eat lunch and I must say, lasagna has never tasted so disgusting to me... certainly I was swallowing any pride I had left along with it.

I've been battling depression for the past few months and I am so tempted to allow this experience to solidify every negative thought about myself that has run through my head. I am tempted to sleep for a week just to prove to God that I am tired. To prove to everyone that I am sick of the way the world prioritizes things. I am sick of trying to sell myself - through the way I look, through my grades, through experience and through interviews.

I am sick of feeling like I can't trust the people closest to me. I've just had this overwhelming sense for weeks that I am so alone.

It's not that I don't love my family. It's not that I don't care about my friends. It's not that I don't value all that I've been given. It's not that I want to run away from something "bad."

Those aren't the reasons my heart is set on going.
I think it is something that I cannot explain. Or maybe I just don't want to - because few people actually understand.

Certainly - I desire to trust that God has a better plan for my next few years. But in my mind's eye - things are bleak... for more reasons than I would be willing to share on a public blog.

So, this Sunday afternoon, instead of slaving over notes to prepare for upcoming exams, instead of putting away all of the clothes that have been dumped out of my suitcase, instead of heading back to school to watch the superbowl with friends, I am just going to nap. I'm going to rest and I hope, without faith, that alongside my physical rest, God will show up and provide me with some sort of Spirit-driven solace.