Somehow, amidst that, I came up with the following list. For the sake of all my valuables which were taking passenger in my car (and I suppose other drivers on the road) I decided against writing them down in my journal as I drove (Which, confession, I sometimes do when I have a valuable writing prompt or idea. . . But you must know how hard it is for me to hold random things in my mind for longer than ten minutes.)
Ten Signs you are a New Female Elementary Teacher:
1) You buy white board markers and correcting pens for fun
2) You find yourself saying, "Something doesn't feel right" after spending more than five consecutive days without children
3) You have various plans lined up three weeks in advance - but expect them to change at any minute
4) Your purse has transformed into a book bag complete with a planner, correcting pens and space for assignments that need to be taken home
5) You buy books with 2nd and 3rd grade reading levels at the library book sale to prepare for your classroom library
6) You supress (and sometimes not) the desire to correct everyone's misspelled words on facebook chat
7) You have a purple (or otherwise colorful) bin of personal teaching resources complete with an inflatable frog and encouragement stickers
8) You look forward to having every summer off (because let's face it, who wouldn't?)
9) Your feet make themself quite at home in flats
10) Perfection is your enemy
There you have it.
And here I am... sitting on the floor of my new 'dorm apartment' with a clementine and a bowl of far-too-thick oatmeal. While it feels like college, it doesn't. A lot has changed since I have last lived on this campus. I have changed.
It is weird moving in here, now. I feel unsure of how this semester will go. It feels like a time where I am unwilling to sink my feet in here because I sense the ever-so-temporary nature of this season. How can I sink in when I know it will hurt more to leave? How can I sink in when I know good-byes are just four months on the horizon?
But if I don't sink in, I run this risk of failing to make the most of my final undergrad college experiences. I run the risk of regretting it later.
And I guess that is why I feel confused. I've almost always (besides in my one past relationship) been a heart-guarder. Nothing hurts more than being let down or being left alone and I live my life in a way that enables me to avoid all such experiences. I prepare for the worst, make back-up plans or convince myself that some things really don't matter. In fact, I remind myself constantly that no one truly 'needs me.' Because that is my reality. I know that there is no one on this earth that I could literally not make it without and I know the reverse is true as well. But sometimes all of the reality and heart-guarding I do takes away from the friendships I have.
Sure, it certainly enables me to run off to a foreign country to teach, as that is according to my dreams... Sure it has managed to keep me quite emotionally stable (if we ignore the past month, at least)... Sure, it allows me to always be 'in control'... But I recognize that it is not a trait of love. It is a constant and deeply-embedded sign of selfishness.
I guess I don't know what to do about it. I've spent two years building up this security and independence, thriving off of my ability to live without ... two years taking no love or comfort from people I wasn't certain I could trust ... two years of watching other people play the position of vulnerable...
And I guess that's how it will end for tonight. I have no answers... fewer as the days pass, in fact. I need guidance and will continue to wait for it. Even as I put up my own mental defense and remind myself that it may not come.
"This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life"
Sometimes as I read your thoughts and then Anna's I feel as though the two of you are pieces of the young college aged Samara. Though your heart for missions is not something I ever had, sometimes, like tonight, your post hits home and I remember some of your exact feelings. Why settle in when you'll just be leaving? But will you regret not living it up and enjoying it more?
ReplyDeleteDisappointment is the worst. I have sometimes set too high of expectations about certain things and been so disappointed that sometimes I feel like I set LOW expectations.
Rachel, you are loved, wanted, needed. You are a strong, independent young woman who is thriving in Christ. I have told Jeff many times that YOU are going to change the world! Keep writing these thoughts, I love reading them.
I feel like I could just as honestly have written everything from the "And I guess..." near the middle and following--except for the part where I could actually write something as good as this.
ReplyDeleteI mean, I'm done, complete, finito. This is it. Just biding my time until--hopefully (and it's so weird to use that word there)--I get ripped away from the only people I truly love being around and get transplanted halfway around the globe.
Also, #8 isn't just for female elementary teachers. ;)
Trust me, you're not the only one who was fewer answers as the days pass...
-R
Oh My Rachie!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I never ever have the words I want to say, after reading your posts..but this is what I have for now:
You're honesty is always so beautiful to me. I appreciate that, (with some time usually) your feelings come out - even if I'm hearing more detail about stuff on your blog, that's fine! I just want you to know guarded or not, I love you. And those aren't just words coming from my mouth to express a feeling.
Above anything I could really say, I want you to be able to trust me and know/believe that you are loved by not just me, but especially me. You're a huge blessing to my life, every single day I have, even if we don't talk or hang out, you cross my mind so often and it brings a physical smile to my face, but my heart also jumps for joy.
I love you, Rachel Lynn, believe it!