Sometimes songs can just sum up the mood we are in. Not necessarily even the words... just the way the music sounds and the heart-stirring that tends to follow. Its 3:30 in the morning and unfortunate as it may be, I am still awake. So, for the sake of making each day memorable (as my friend Jake has suggested), I decided not to get grumpy about this lack-of-sleep-evening and, instead, make a 'mix tape' of my mood. Normally when I am up late I can't stop thinking... reflecting... tossing and turning on thoughts that have been rousing my intellect... but ever since school started (months ago) I have had such a block in my ability to engage in deep thinking. I figured it would go away after a few weeks but ... it seems it is here to stay.
Now, rather than desiring to live with the disability of shallow thinking and live on the surface (as I have been), I want to understand what is hindering my ability to think and feel things of meaning. I feel like my words don't even come out right lately... nothing flows, nothing is gentle. It has been months since I have felt in touch with the Lord and, consequently, with myself. This results in a much-needed confession...
I am so selfish lately.
If you don't have some academic insight that I can gain from, money to offer me for a baby-sitting service I extend to you, something funny to say, attention to give me, or if you aren't my best friend... I really have no time to offer you. If I am hanging out with you and you don't want to hear my story, I am offended. If I am hanging out with you and you just want to tell your stories, I get impatient. If you want or need to talk when I am not in the mood, good luck getting a hold of me. If you need a favor, I don't have time for you. If I need a favor, I will come find you and expect your time. All this to say: I am sinful and seek forgiveness now.
I don't want to be a selfish being. I don't want my life to be wasted on the practice of self-service in which I make no one happy and constantly send the message that no one can keep me happy.
I want to receive my joy from Christ and extend it to others. I want to offer myself to others in the way God desires me to. I guess my question to whoever reads this (if anyone) is... how do I (practically-speaking... no lofty theologically-great-sounding-but-hard-to-live-out answers, please) balance the schedule that I am indebted to this year and offer myself to the Lord and His people in a real way (By real, I mean, in a way that is not just for the sake of doing it and putting in my 'sacrifice time' but for the sake of pleasing the Lord)?
How do you follow through with the desires of your heart when they are not present as feelings in your life? This is my biggest struggle... it surfaces in so many aspects of my life and my lack of answer leads to an equally large lack of self-control. Pray for me?
Oh my sweet-hearted friend,
ReplyDeleteI feel you and words have come to me as I waited for the comment box to load.
First, through these words in which you were just expressing how you have been feeling, God worked through you. Even though you may not think you aren't doing your full potential of reaching people, you have reached me through this and that is enough. That's enough for me...and I know that's enough for God. May that be enough for you.
Second, you ARE bringing joy to our King. He has called you to go through with school SO when you are spending 5 hours writing a paper, he is so please with you. That you would give it what you have and apply yourself. He is glorified in that, because you are doing what He asks. It's enough for him, may that be enough for you.
Thirdly, you're right we have to be sure we are doing things in His name, not just to do them to pay our dues. So I say this to you as a realistic approach to live in this fast-paced life:
A prayer that I've found to really help me throughout my day(when I do it), to keep my focus on God. The prayer starts and ends different..but these words are what matter as I pray them genuinely
"Fill my body, my intellect, my attitudes, my bad habits, my personality, my will, and my emotions with your Holy Spirit."
As I pray there are things that come in my mind, as if He is speaking to me, "we will fix this today". And, when something comes up regaurding this thing (such as the time you sent me an e-mail praying the Spirit to be with me, I said this pray that morning and the bad habits hit me and "biting your nails" came to me. Driving that day, I naturally lifted my hand to take a chomp..but then I felt this warmth of "woah!" and I put my hand back on the steering wheel.) Those things, are what help me keep my focus and I find joy in it. Because it makes me smile..when I know the Holy Spirit, is working with me, and in my life..not on everything at once, but a day at a time, when I offer the invite for Him to do so.
So, with a good morning Abba, and those words of some sort, you WILL feel a difference in what you do throughout your day. Things that you do everyday..will have a different feel to it, because you've asked Him ..them, to be with you. Just asking and sending that invitaition to Him is all He asks...it's enough - He will work the rest of it. May that be enough for you.
That's my realistic approach for you, cause I love you!