A Jobless Morning

I love this morning. After two early mornings and very long days (of subbing, and work, and Haiti-planning, and wedding dress shopping with a friend) a slow-wake-up, lay-in-bed-longer-than-necessary feels just great. I love that I can roll over, grab a book and read for awhile with no pressure to get up and out. I love that I can sit here and look at the light pushing its way through my blinds, and not feel compelled to embrace it quite yet. I love that my little heating blanket can continue to shield me from the reality of cold winter for just a little bit longer (along with making me feel like I'm laying in a toaster oven.)

But even with all of that appreciation for the way this morning is, there is still something below that is nagging at me... telling me that I shouldn't be enjoying this luxury time... telling me that if I was a better person, I wouldn't still be in bed... reminding me that weekday sleep-ins and lay-arounds are for people who don't have jobs. Real jobs. All-day jobs. Jobs that matter.

Yes, back to the job dilemma. Why is it so hard for me?
I have a cousin [who I totally love and admire and respect and have since we were in diapers] who works, at most, three days a week, usually half-days. She cuts hair at a Wal-Mart salon. Most days before she goes in to work, or nights before the morning she works, she will remind me that she wishes she didn't have to work tomorrow... that she'd like just one more day off. It's not because she is lazy, because she's definitely not lazy. It just seems to me that she doesn't let who she is rest upon what she does; she doesn't need to measure herself by the numbers of hours she spends getting paid for her profession. And I respect and crave that so much.

For me, it's like I need a job to accept myself and if I don't get one I will not see the end of these fits of anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. And I don't know why. It's not like I really WANT to spend ALL day (from dark to dark, in the wintertime) inside a stuffy school building. I just want to matter. I want to be with kids and let them give me purpose and a reason to be here. While I love the determination and passion that God has built within me, while I always tend to wish people were more ambitious rather than less and more risk-taking than they are, and while I admire women who aren't afraid to chase their dream job instead of letting husbands and babies and, eventually, wrinkles get in the way . . . Today I'm praying to be a bit more like my cousin. So that just existing and doing all that I can do in this time will be enough. So that my life will be fruitful even when my paycheck is not. So that I can learn what it means to trust God, even on these jobless mornings.