Free Perspective

I'll be honest with you [because I generally am] my life lately appears to be a MaNgLeD mess. . . with absolutely no distinctives, no definitives, and no directions in sight. [Oh, and discipline? Let's not even mention that]

I'm the official basement bum; some days with every hope, anticipation, and vision of climbing out... and other days with less than none of the above. There is no constant except that nothing is constant and there is no schedule save for the one I slap together desperately on Sunday nights when I grimace as I look down at my eager 2010 datebook, you know... the one that I foolishly used to think would hold more hope as the post-graduation months passed rather than less.

Yeah... so here I am... clinging to a prayer I might [maybe?] have prayed months ago...
Some days I feel free.
I sleep in, wander about the empty house as if it's my own little sanctuary while everyone else is working and schooling, nearly worship that fall breeze that makes me feel so alive inside, sit on the cool grass and adore the library book collection that I actually have time to read, and laugh with friends like the world depended on it. My now-21-year-old self will grab a drink. Will crank up the music. Will smile. Will dance. Will thrive.

Other days I feel caged. I sleep in out of pity rather than desire or necessity. I clog my firefox with 30,000+ tabs of teaching jobs, travel opportunities, Aesop Subsitute Portal [for whatever that empty page is worth at the present time], hotmail, and gmail. [Well, and, okay, let's be real... Facebook] On these days, any number of things could set off a few irrational tears as I fear that my greatest fear has become my current reality; a job rejection letter, a bank savings statement, an invite to come do something I shouldn't spend money on, my face in the mirror, a comment about my nail color, the sight of a little boy falling down on the playground as I'm going for a run.... (Okay, haha... we'll definitely attribute those last couple to the monthly female hormones... don't ask - but rest assured I'm not stretching the truth on them).

What I realized though, free or caged feelings aside, is that I am here viewing life from a completely free perspective. I am watching this crazy, busy, job, task, and status-oriented society whirl around me while I just sit. I'm not a part of it and I can do nothing about it. I feel like, for the first time since a child, I'm kind of the neutral party here.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with that but it was just kind of a realization. Someday I will be the teacher inside the school that doesn't get to go for a mid-day run or visit grandma in the afternoon or play scrabble with mom at night. Someday I will be in the midst of a career that doesn't afford me time to spend with friends at all hours of the day and night, or the luxury of going out for my birthday on three separate occasions.

I mean, really, I'm not wishing this for myself. I'm not hinting towards being satisfied with my life right now - because I'm not, and it's a struggle - (and I know my self-worth relies far too heavily on what I'm doing rather than who I'm being) but I'm just trying to come to a point where I can live fully aware that these days, even these distinctless, definitiveless, directionless, disciplineless days are numbered. Are short. Are passing. And as sure as another lazy tomorrow comes, I am aware that I will come to a day when I will miss them. It might quicken my gag reflex at this point in time, as I feel there's little to be desired about the jobless life, but I know that hidden within it are plenty of luxuries that I should appreciate.