My Spring

If you would have told me two months ago that March would be the best month for me since my Tanzania trip, I would have clambored out of my depressed state and laughed in your face.
This winter was hard for me. Really hard. I unexpectedly reverted back to the depression and anxiety that claimed so many of my adolescent years.

I lulled myself through school days. Took extra naps. Pushed friends away. Snapped at my family. Experienced many hours of breathing difficulties. Became generally apathetic about life. .. all the while feeling a hopeless conviction about needing to serve the Lord better without any of the necessary support in sight.

I think there may have been many things that contributed to the past season's depression... the foremost being the season itself. Winter always seems to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally - no matter how many great fireside chats or cups of hot chocolate I squeeze in.
The second being the transition between living abroad and coming home; dealing with culture shock that I wasn't even aware of within me, dealing with spiritual doubts that had intensely accumulated along the way, losing people I had come to love and leaving my passion on the other side of the world.
These things combined with issues in friendships, feeling pressured to "get my life in order" before gradudation, and a difficult, tiring, ravenous search for Truth all left me in quite the pit.

Slowly... though... Spring leaked its way back into my life and manifested itself through more than sunrays and melted snow. Spring showed her face to me in the form of new friends who will never leave my heart. Living with my roommates Becca and Victoria (and receiving visits from the ex-roomie Lisa) has been the best possible thing for me.

I don't think I have laughed more in my life. Everything becomes a joke. Everything is laid out on the table. No one hides thoughts or feelings. No one comes back to the room feeling like they are alone or goes to bed feeling unwanted. We can talk and discuss and express mutual desires to grow closer to the Lord. We plan fun events to spice up our week and complain about whatever we want, whenever we want.

We miss each other after a day or two away. And we express it. Constantly.

I have just needed this so much. The support, the love, the laughs. I wasn't sure what the semester would bring - wasn't sure if I would attach myself here or remain emotionally aloof. Sometimes, when it comes to love, you just don't have a choice. You just do it. You just pour yourself into it because it is genuine and because it means so much to be known, appreciated and loved in return.

Now that I have that here it is so hard to see myself leaving it. It is not that I'm not ready to get the proverbial show on the road with a job and a life of learning outside of the confined walls of the educational institution, it is just sad to think that I only have a month of this life left. It seems that this is always my dilemma in life though . . . I'm always afraid of losing and letting go - afraid of the transition - afraid of change and situations that cannot guarentee to give me again the good things I have now.

But thus far, the Lord has never let me down. He has always provided. Joy. Friends. Hope. Life. Passion. Why would He quit now? I am learning that it is foolishness to cling to a life that is no longer mine; to cling to a past hope or a past joy... the present time is here for a reason and it can only be fully birthed if I am ready to push for it... if I am ready to let go, breathe deep and trust.