It’s 11:38 PM on Christmas Eve. I am awake. Not chatting with family, not waiting for my stomach to digest the wide-array of Christmas snacks that have been ingested, not opening gifts or examining the beautiful new Nikon I just inherited (although that is quite tempting). No, I’m not doing anything of these things. Frankly, I’m too busy thinking about Africa. Yes, you heard me right, Africa... on Christmas Eve.
For weeks I’ve been probing and scrutinizing a printed list of 120+ schools attending the 2010 UNI International Education Fair in February. I’ve starred interests, crossed out unrealistics, noted requirements and deadlines, and scoured for my “perfect match” school.
Because Africa has already captured my heart through and through, my natural inclination was to seek out a position at an international school on that beautiful, sun-drenched continent. I sent off two e-mails inquiring on positions schools were looking to fill and asked whether or not they were interested in hiring fresh meat (a.k.a. new grads).
I received a response back from one of the schools – a school in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The e-mail felt more like a threat of upcoming hardship if I should choose to continue to pursue a position there than an open invitation to a warm, loving school environment. Now, I’ll be honest, I’ve never been one for warm, fuzzy butterflies when truth, honesty and reality can be served side-by-side on a cold platter. So, while the e-mail struck a chord within me, I also felt extremely intimidated and selfishly wondered if I was really seeking an adventure that requires so much sacrifice.
I don’t often question whether or not I “have what it takes” to do something. Generally, I am a realistic dreamer – and if I dream it, it is because I know I could both DO it and DO it WELL. In this instance, however, I find myself hoping, yet realistically questioning, “Do I have what it takes to live in the Democratic Republic of Congo for two years? Can I make the sacrifices it requires?” Now, if I could just cap these questions with a quick, easy answer I would experience no sleepless Christmas Eve. The issue is the truth of the matter. There are no easy answers when life throws a decision of this caliber at you. There are two options: cop-out and feign disinterest, or humbly search yourself to procure an honest self-assessment of capability.
Can I do it – or am I not ready? Is this what I want? Is this what God would have me do?
The fact that the answers to these questions remain, as yet, so elusive is a threat to the self-control I impose upon my own life (Be it even a fraudulent self-control since I’m fully aware of the ONE who is truly in control). It just kind of shakes me up.... knowing that the time for decisions is coming. The time where I will have to say, “All things considered, THIS is the path I am choosing.” Knowing that this decision, this cross-road in my path, will affect the people in my life and the events that follow. It’s all so much I just can’t find ways to get it off my mind... not necessarily in a bad way – in a way of eager anticipation and slightly nervous concern. I’m concerned that I will end up making this decision all on my own – and backing it up with my own reason and emotion. I’m concerned that I don’t know anyone who can lean in to offer wise, experience-driven advice on things to think about.
All this being said, I certainly don’t HAVE to choose this school in the Congo. I certainly can (and will) look into other options. I just... I appreciate challenge and sacrifice... and I think that’s why this specific school taunts me so. I WONDER if it is MY challenge. My call to sacrifice. I wonder... and will continue to wonder... because this Christmas Eve offers no solutions except the sin-solution of Jesus, Emmanuel. And that, my few readers, is a solution that I’d do well to reflect more upon. The solution that trumps them all. Merry Christmas! May God be with you.
Sometimes the anticipation of the decision is actually worse than actually having to make the decision. When I was considering transferring to a new school, I put off actually saying that I was transferring until only days before I transferred. I didn't want to confront the reality that things would be different and that I'd be doing something new. But when I finally got to the point of doing the deciding, it was a relief. I knew all along what the decision was going to be, but making it was difficult. Maybe it's the same for you, maybe not.
ReplyDeleteI'm prayin' for ya darling!!
ReplyDeleteTrust and He will lead and direct you!!
As a fellow realistic dreamer with a knack for thinking that I've got everything under control, I absolutely loved this post!
ReplyDeleteAnd even if neither of us has someone who has ALREADY been through decisions like these, I guess we'll have at least one other person who is CURRENTLY trying to make these oh-so-difficult choices.
I love what you said about backing up our choices with our own reasons and our own emotions--I know that I have certainly been prone to do that in the past.
Rachel, please, please, please keep serving up your eloquently worded and enjoyable-to-read platter of truth, honesty, and reality. Because I promise that I'll keep reading it. ;)
Know that I'll be praying for clarity in decision making as those times draw nearer. I can't wait to see how everything turns out!